PLAN B
Plan B was to enlist the help of my friend Warren. More specifically, Warren and his Van.
Warren's VW Microbus would have to be my make-do elephant. We'd place the howdah on top of the van, then warren, acting as my mahout, would drive the Microbus/Elephant slowly towards our "tiger", at which time it would "charge" the elephant/Microbus and I would dispatch it in jaunty style with my less rare, but antique British revolver. It was a genius plan. Not what I had hoped for after going to great lengths to maintain authenticity, but it would have to do. What Ganesha couldn't provide, the Germans would.
The plan was a simple one. Not perfect, but it would work. We were all set to run the van/elephant simulation in a few days. That was until one night while Googling, I stumbled across this link. Eureka! I'd found my elephant.
Phone calls were made, credit card information exchanged, and in a few days our rented inflatable elephant had arrived. We set about to inflate it, and install the howdah on it's back. The only problem incurred was a brief argument with Warren, who insisted we scrap the idea of the tiger hunt, inflate the elephant with helium and use our pachyderm come dirigible to film a live action version of the film Dumbo.
I have to admit, I was tempted.
"Be vewwy vewwy qwuiet. Weer hunting Tigewrs".
Day one. First attempts with the new elephant. Not good. Upon climbing in the howdah, we turned into a division of French border troops. We rolled right over and I dropped my gun.
Day two. The hospital food is awful.
Day three. Doctor says ribs will heal. Head and brain scans came back negative.
Day four. A return to the jungle. Warren and I drag our slightly saggy balloonaphant out into the woods, where we tether it's feet down so as not to FDGB once again. (Fall down, go boom)
Warren placed the target out in the bush at 12 yards away. That's closest I like to let any charging tiger get to my howdah if I can help it. The plan was this: Once we were both in place, my mahout/Warren would scream "TIGER!" in Hindi as the signal to shoot. That was the plan. However, we forgot to look up how to say the word and thus, were forced to use something else.
Ready and set; both of us in position, myself in the home built howdah atop our rented inflatable elephant. Hadji/Warren/the mahout (I'd taken to calling him Hadji at some point, in keeping with the politically incorrect feel of the match) Anyway.. Hadji/Warren was slightly down range and safely off to the side, armed with my digital camera.
With a nod that I was ready, Warren/Hadji screamed "TORA! TORA! TORA!", at which point I yanked my Webley from it's cross draw flap holster, and promptly dropped it over the side of the howdah. Damn!
Luckily, like any good serving British officer, I was wearing my lanyard, and hauled it back to me post haste. Raising the great imposing revolver, taking steady aim, I fired at the ferocious creature! Once! Twice! Thrice! Quai... four times! Five times!!!
Re-holstering my weapon, I climbed down from the back of the great inflatable beast, with the aid of a very non traditional aluminum step ladder. Cautiously I moved up through the bush, circling around behind my prey, half expecting it to spring to life and pounce upon me. There was no need to worry however, the larger caliber 265 grain round nose slugs, rocketing along at the blinding speed of 650 FPS had done their job. Robbing the once beautiful feline of every one of it's nine lives. A reenactment of an event that had played out countless times throughout the ages of tiger hunting in India. And the entire event, recorded through the modern miracle of digital photography.
Or at least it would have been, if Warren wasn't an idiot and knew what he was doing. 23 images captured. 11 of his feet. 4 of trees. 5 of sky AND trees. Plus a handful of miscellaneous and undistinguishable body parts. No tigers. No elephants. And no me. I was depressed.
I had used up the last of my .455 Webley ammo, in practicing and in the non-filming. I was out of 265gr hollow base bullets, and with the elephant due back the next day, I wouldn't have time to re-shoot the tiger hunt reenactment. Talk about a let down.
In a futile attempt to restore our friendship, Warren took pen and paper in hand, and attempted to document the events of that afternoon.
ARTISTS RENDITION OF ACTUAL EVENTS
Here's my target
And that's how I shot it. It really is a true story.
Honest.
"It depends upon what the meaning of the word is means."-William Jefferson Clinton
